Cover letter for a writing submission to a literary magazine

To whom it may concern.

I am writing to you today in hopes of being “discovered” as the genius that my grandma keeps telling me I am. She tells me she has an eye for these things, in case that confuses you as much as it did me, she is referring to her intuition and not her cataracts. Anyway, I've been writing short stories since grade four, which I think speaks to my fortitude considering I am now 29 and repeated grade 6 twice. I think you'll find I stand out above all the other submissions you receive because I have noticed with my eyes, my real ones, most writers are dark, everything they write is so sad or intense, well not me, I am shallow and I use humour to cover up what would otherwise probably manifest into those typical submissions of angst you constantly receive.
Now I know you state on your website that I should expect to wait 6 to 8 months to hear back from you but I am going to put a couple gold stars on my envelope so you know it's a really special submission and then you can get to it sooner than you normally would. You should know, my writing is already quite famous, I've kept a blog for the last 6 years and it has, to date, had over 300 hits. As well, I once became enraged over an article I read in our local paper and my feedback was printed in the paper the very next week. Don't worry, my success has not gone to my head, I'm very grounded, you will find I am a joy to work with as long as you don't try to make suggestions about how to improve my work. If you were a good writer you would be submitting not reading submissions, let the artists to their thing and you do yours!

Sincerely,

Amanda Stevens

Kind of like..

Antonyms of dramatic: insignificant, boring, natural, unaffected. I share this knowledge from my thesaurus with you as a reminder to those people, you know who you are, who have called me dramatic. I will assume if you are calling me dramatic you are in fact rejecting any held beliefs that you yourself are of the dramatic variety which, by default, means you are insignificant, boring, and unaffected. Yes, I left out natural for dramatic affect.
I have found in my life time as a "generation y" baby that people are not easily impressed, shocked or impacted by anything less than the absolutely bizarre. The more fantastic, sensational, dazzling, strange, marvellous, queer and extraordinary your adjective base, the more likely you are to be received whilst relaying your otherwise dull, tedious, insipid, flat and mundane account of whatever it is your expressing.
Now that we understand one another, or more importantly, now that you understand me, I'm sure you're looking forward to reading any and all that I have written, which is great because I have included some prolific poetry about death written in the fourth grade which I believe after reading, you will all champion my interests of being held up as a literary prodigy. On a similar note, I have always had a fascination with Mensa. Is that common? I assume we all want to be included in a club that comes with intellectual notoriety known around the world, am I wrong? I guess that depends on what you value, I once saw a dating reality show for people with extremely high IQs, they put all these geniuses in a room with lightening not even attractive people would stand in and left them to their own social devices. It was like watching acne faced orca whales being courted by apes that haven't seen their own penises since ice-cream started filling the emotional gaps. What I am saying is, if you value beauty over brains then yea, this pod would not interest you but for those of us that recognize the potential to be an unattainable goodness in a sea of misfortunate hair cuts and thin upper lip hair, Mensa has endless potential. Kind of like when you attend lesbian events because you're pmsing and need reassurance of your superiority.
Why am I writing this? Well, if you must know, I keep a blog and there is a lot of pressure on me to post as often as I can to maintain my readers. Ok, reader, but everyone starts somewhere and fine, his or her's anonymous comment on my blog page, "you're hot! keep it up" probably had nothing to do with my writing and more to do with that photoshopped picture of myself in which I removed my acne and five o'clock shadow, yet it is still a fan. So here you are dear reader...a post for your perusal.