Cover letter for a writing submission to a literary magazine

To whom it may concern.

I am writing to you today in hopes of being “discovered” as the genius that my grandma keeps telling me I am. She tells me she has an eye for these things, in case that confuses you as much as it did me, she is referring to her intuition and not her cataracts. Anyway, I've been writing short stories since grade four, which I think speaks to my fortitude considering I am now 29 and repeated grade 6 twice. I think you'll find I stand out above all the other submissions you receive because I have noticed with my eyes, my real ones, most writers are dark, everything they write is so sad or intense, well not me, I am shallow and I use humour to cover up what would otherwise probably manifest into those typical submissions of angst you constantly receive.
Now I know you state on your website that I should expect to wait 6 to 8 months to hear back from you but I am going to put a couple gold stars on my envelope so you know it's a really special submission and then you can get to it sooner than you normally would. You should know, my writing is already quite famous, I've kept a blog for the last 6 years and it has, to date, had over 300 hits. As well, I once became enraged over an article I read in our local paper and my feedback was printed in the paper the very next week. Don't worry, my success has not gone to my head, I'm very grounded, you will find I am a joy to work with as long as you don't try to make suggestions about how to improve my work. If you were a good writer you would be submitting not reading submissions, let the artists to their thing and you do yours!

Sincerely,

Amanda Stevens